Ducky and Satan
by FerryBerry
Summary: AU. Brittany and Santana take the infamous questionnaire for a spin. Part 4 of the 'Reading Material' series.


**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. All belongs to _Glee_ writers and creators.

**A/N:** You guys would not believe how nervous I am about this. I really hope I did okay. Let me know. Oh, and Brittana-only fans will probably need to read my Faberry 'Reading Material' series to 'get' most of this. Regular=Brittany's words. _Italics=Santana's_. **Bold=Questions**_**.**_

**Ducky and Satan**

**XxX41myeohmye14XxX's Sex Questionnaire**

**1. Name?** Ra-I mean Libby and Q told us we should come up with code names. What is yours gonna be, S? _This is lame._ I think I'll use your special name for me. _You mean your sexy name?_ No, my special name. Ducky. :) _Brit_ Ducky. _Gah, fine! Ducky, you __swore__ not to __ever__ tell __anyone__ about that._ I'm sorry. I can't think of anything else. :( _Ugh. Fine. Mine is…Satan (and Q, if you read this, yes, that is just to piss you off)._ But you don't have one of those pitchfork things.

**2. Reason for taking this?** Libby and Q said it would be fun. _Sexy Q (let's take a minute to make fun of __that__, please) said she scored like three times just filling this out. And a bunch of times afterward._

**3. Sexual orientation (if you know)?** There's a sex class? San, we should take it! _They mean do you prefer girls or guys._ Oh. I like Satan. :) _…I like you, too, Ducky._

**4. Which sex are the majority of your fantasies about?** Missionary. That's what that position is called, right? _They mean do you dream about guys or girls more._ Oh. _And yes, that is what that position is called._ I dream about Satan a lot. How about you, San? _Mostly girls._ :)

**Have you ever:**

**5. **…**kissed someone?** Lots of people! _This is the lamest questionnaire ever. I'm going to beat 'Libby' over the head with it when we're done._

**6. Had sex?** Lots of times. _This questionnaire deserves to be set on fire._

**7. Dry humped?** My dog does that to my uncle. _…Yeah, we've done it._

**8. Been walked in on?** Q said she was going to burn out her eyes. I don't think she should. She has pretty eyes. _My mom wouldn't talk to me for two weeks._ I'm sorry. :( _That was with Puck—not your fault. Bastard remembers a condom but doesn't lock the door? Moron._

**9. Had someone watch?** I don't like being watched. I get all self-conscience. _Conscious. Me, too._

**10. Watched others have sex?** I didn't mean to. Someone called my mom and she didn't lock the door. _I hate seeing parents making the beast. Blech._

**11. Made out at a dance?** Lots of times. I think I'm getting a good score, San. _Good for you._

**12. Had sex at a dance?** Almost. _What?_ Karofsky passed out during. Does it still count? _…No, I guess not._ Have you? _Yeah._

**13. Gone to a hotel just to have sex?** _After that whole thing with Mom, I don't really have any other choice._ I love the Days Inn. We should go there tonight. _Maybe this questionnaire isn't half-bad…._

**14. Had sex on your parents's bed?** That was fun, wasn't it? _Yeah. Is your mom taking another long vacation soon?_ She said soon. Oh, we could eat popcorn in bed again! And watch 'Happy Feet'! _Right. Or we could do other stuff._

**15. Had sex with your parents home, without them knowing?** I always tell Mom. _You do?_ So she won't walk in. She buys me condoms. _Oh…well…until Puck was an idiot, I did._

**16. Had sex the first time you met someone?** There was this guy at this club. He was really nice. He bought me breakfast. _B-Ducky, what have I told you about that? Fucking strangers is a __bad__ idea. STDs, and all that._ I didn't have sex with him. I was just telling you about my morning. _…Anyway._

**17. Had sex at a movie?** I find them distracting. _They're talking about in a theater._ Oh. That's even worse. But I didn't mind doing it to you. _I know for a fact Q had to have gotten some by now. What am I doing wrong here?_ You could just ask me. :) _Oh._

**18. Had sex in a public place?** I think we just did. _The library is a pretty public place. Even if no one's here._ That was fun. We should do it again, only this time you can _Okay, try to remember that Libby and Q are probably going to read this since we read theirs…._ But I thought you said we weren't going to tell them we did. _Oh, right. Damn it._

**19. Had sex outdoors?** I had to quit. Bark is scratchy. _Running away from the neighbor's insane dog wasn't fun, either._

**20. Had sex while driving?** I thought I was always driving when I do guys. _They mean in a car._ Oh. Backseats are small. _You've never had sex in a car while it was driving?_ That sounds confusing. _Gah, so much to teach you._

**21. Had sex with chocolate sauce, honey, etc.?** Nope. _Me, either._ Libby told me it's fun. _I have doubts about Tranny's definition of 'fun.'_ She says there's shower sex afterward. _…I may have to rethink my opinion of Libby._

**22. Had sex sitting?** Is that like when we do this?

_Yep. I like this questionnaire._ More than you like me? :( _Of course not._ :)

**23. Had sex standing?** Yep! S, do you think I'm going to win? _Totally._ :D

**24. Had sex with a virgin?** I don't think so. _Karofsky was a virgin._ Really? Yay me! :D How about you, S? _Frankenteen—worst sex ever._ Aww, can I make it up to you? _I'm not gonna say no to that._

**25. Had sex with bondage?** Satan and I bond all the time, even when we're not doing it. _They mean like handcuffs and stuff, B-Ducky._ Oh. Yeah, I have. But only with S. I'm afraid other people will leave me tied up. _I would never do that._ I know. :D

**26. Had sex with more than one person at a time?** Yep! Puck wanted Libby to do it with us, but she kept saying no. _Thank God for her prudishness. _She likes prunes? Maybe that's what we should get her for her birthday. _…_

**27. Had sex with both a man and a woman (at different times)?** I'm confused. _Yeah, Q said to skip this one. Something about unclear meaning making people cry or…I don't know._ Oh.

**28. Had sex with both a man and a woman (at the same time)?** Yep! But I think I prefer it when Puck isn't there. _Me, too. He's a moron._

**29. Had sex with 3 or more in the same night?** No. :( S, I lost one. _This is a good one to lose._ Really? Did you lose it? _Yes. Barely._

**30. Teased someone successfully for over an hour?** Almost. :( I made it to 56 minutes. _So that's what the stopwatch was about…._

**31. Done a striptease?** Satan usually stops me before I finish. But she didn't when we did it on that webcam she bought me for Christmas. _I hate you._ :'( _I didn't mean—gah, stop pouting at me! You know I didn't mean it that way. But I am taking the webcam back._

**32. Seen a striptease at a public establishment?** Does the choir room count? _No, they mean like have you paid to see one at a strip club._ Oh. Have you? _Let's just say I'll never waste my allowance like that again._

**33. Bought sexual aids?** S won't let me. She always pays for them. _Great. I'll never live __that__ down when Q reads this._

**34. Used sexual aids?** Satan? _Yes, Ducky?_ Why would you buy sexual aids but not use them? _That…is a really, really good question. _It was? _Yes._ :D

**35. Seduced someone?** Yeppers! But I think I lost my powers. _Why's that?_ Cause Kurt turned me down even though he was dressing in farmer clothes. _Yeah…we need to talk about that…._

**36. MADE your fantasy come true?** Well…usually I just tell Satan. Is that making it come true? _I guess._ Yay, I don't lose this one! :)

**37. Caused someone who was straight or gay to become bisexual?** No, but S did me. :D _Really?_ Yep!

**Favorite:**

**38. Position?** I like the missionary. How about you, S? _I'll show you._

**39. Dirty phrase?** That was fun. :) _Thank you._ I like it when you sing to me. _I thought you liked dirty talk. _I do, but I like the singing more. _God, I'm dating Man Hands._ We're dating? _…No._

**40. Fantasy?** I like the one where I'm a princess and you're my knight. How about you, S? _We've never done the princess and the knight._ I thought they were talking about fantasies in my head. :/ _You never told me about that one._ Well, now you know! :) _I wonder where we could get a sword…._

**Last Few:**

**41. Did you like this questionnaire?** It was fun. :D I won a lot. _I still think it deserves to be set on fire and then fed to a shark, but since I scored (and more than Q—in your face), I'll let it go._

**42. Will you pass this on?** Are we, S? _Probably not._ We could give it to Artie and Tina. :) _Yeah. It might be fun watching their skin turn purple and their eyes bulge out like Sesame Street muppets…._ Satan? _Yes, Ducky?_ Luv you. :) _…Luv you, too._


End file.
